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Archive for March, 2010

Mass Effect 2: Space Hamster

March 31, 2010 1 comment

I know, I know.  I’m fixated on Mass Effect 2.  Well, this tends to happen to me.  I start in on a good RPG, and I’m just stuck there until I finish.  In other words, you will essentially know what I’m playing at all times based on my posts (mainly).

I also have a side note / confession to make to everyone.  This is truly, truly horrible.  Prepare yourselves, folks –

I still haven’t bought Dragon Age: Origins – Awakening.

Okay, now that the gasps of horror are pretty much over, I know you’re all thinking to yourselves – and this girl says she’s in love with BioWare?!  How dare she do them the dishonor! It’s true.  I feel awful.  I really want to get DA:O-A (whew, what a mouthful).  I just haven’t yet due to my distraction with ME2.

Mass Effect 2: The Fish Tank

They will be dead next time you check on them. Seriously. They suck.

Speaking of which, has anyone noticed the presence of a rather odd, Richard Gere-inspired item in the game?  I think it’s cute that you can buy fish for your fishtank (but dammit, do they die quickly…) but the Space Hamster really intrigues me.

Has anyone determined if it does anything more than peek out of its hidey-hole and then dart back in timidly?  While adorable, it doesn’t really serve a purpose rather than being somewhat amusing.

Richard Gere

See where his hand is going...? He's got a gerbil...

UNLESS…unless this is really a…creepy indication that our Commander Shepard is rather lonely.  Lonely and willing to try a Richard Gere maneuver with a hamster.  It’s rather gross to dwell on, even by Polish the Console standards.

If you’re wondering, the kiosk description of the space hamster is really what gave me this idea.  See the incriminating image below.

By the way, you may also note in the picture below that the cost to purchase said space hamster is 7,666 credits.  That’s a mighty hefty price for something that just plays coy and peeks out at you occasionally.  This seems like it could qualify as a ‘companion of the night’ price, if you get what I’m saying.  *wink, wink, nudge, nudge*

Anyone else get this weird vibe from the space hamster?  And dammit, how do you keep those fish alive?  (besides treating Kelly Chambers kinda like the space hamster and getting her to do it)

-Kat

Space Hamster

The Space Hamster, aka Secret Love Companion (kinda like Kelly Chambers)

Dragon Age: Origins – Awakening – The PtC Review

March 26, 2010 Leave a comment

Dragon Age: Origins - AwakeningYes yes, its a little late. But none the less here is our review of Dragon Age: Origins – Awakening.

Quickly how the Dragon Age tables have turned. When last we saw our Gray Warden they were either dead after killing the Archdemon, married with a errant step child, or single with a baby momma wandering somewhere in the forest. Parenting aside Dragon Age: Origins was a fantastic RPG. The sequel was something that Polish the Console was anxiously awaiting.  It does however leave a few questions to be answered:

Why is my imported Dragon Age: Origins – Awakening Character Naked?

When I first laid eyes on my Warden I felt as though I was seeing a friend I haven’t seen in a while. Then I noticed he wasn’t wearing anything. Basically just what happens when I see a friend I haven’t seen in a while. Why was my Gray Warden running around in his underwear? Did he lose his laundromat ticket? Is the armor chafing? Has life with an Orlesian Bard (Leliana) left him wanting a life free of the encumberments of pants?

The answer to all of these is no. BioWare just did not allow for the import of any DLC armor or weapons. While this didn’t deter me in the least it was certainly comical. How am I supposed to take The Withered seriously when Oghren is mocking him and I’m naked?

However this may be the first time my Warden openly showed off the taint to everyone. Yeah, cheap joke, I know.

Dragon Age: Origins - Awakening Party Member Mhairi

You can't keep her

Can you save Mhairi?

No. Just like you couldn’t save Daveth…and Jory was a whiny bitch so who cares about him. But no, Mhairi’s death is to signify that the Joining is in fact dangerous and potentially fatal to the wrong person. The Gray Wardens Joining is kinda like dodge-ball; you gotta have gumption to make it through to being a Gray Warden. You can’t just want it, you gotta be good enough.

Dragon Age: Origins - Awakening Sandal the Enchanter

Have you seen me?

Where is Sandal?

Seriously…I loved that little guy. Where is he BioWare? He killed an army of Darkspawn by himself so please bring him back.

Dragon Age: Origins – Awakening: The Good

This video game is fun. The story is well thought out, the characters are rich, the setting is fantastic, and the gameplay is spot on where it was the last go round. On top of that you can further expand on your character making the bad assness even more full of bad…and with the naked start its also full of ass.  WOO!!

The new darkspawn and eight boobed Brood Mother have me anxiously awaiting to find out what their plot is, where they came form, what they want, who they are, and where they get their snappy wardrobe.

I am absolutely hooked.

By the way: Oghren’s lines still have me wetting myself with laughter.

Dragon Age: Origins – Awakening: The Bad

It certainly seems to hiccup a lot. You can tell when you’re in a big battle because everything slows down. It only froze once on me though (way to beat Heavy Rain). Starting naked wasn’t terrible, it just ruined the congruity of everything.

Even though tenting would seem totally out of place in setting of Dragon Age it would still be fun.

Dragon Age: Origins – Awakening: The Score:

Video Game Rating SealVideo Game Rating SealVideo Game Rating SealVideo Game Rating Seal

4 / 5

Its an expansion. It’s not going to be groundbreaking, overly inventive, or totally new. However do you think they could have fixed the naked start problem? That just seems like a HUGE oversight.

Mass Effect 2: The Friend Zone

March 20, 2010 1 comment
The Friend Zone

It's almost too painful to look at

We all know those dreaded words.  We’ve all heard them, and probably even experienced them at some point in our lives.  The dreaded Friend Zone.  This is when a relationship that we’re hoping to take to the next level and turn into romance encounters an obstacle and becomes permanently stuck in the Friend Zone.  This obstacle is insurmountable, and the relationship will never be anything beyond friends.  In other words, the Friend Zone sucks.

What does this have to do with video games?  Well, we’ve been saying how amazing games are getting; how more and more realistic they are becoming.  I think Mass Effect 2 takes that level of realism a bit too far.  Seriously.  In my game, I have been relegated to the Friend Zone.  There seems to be no chance of me getting around this.

Jacob Taylor

Mass Effect 2's Jacob Taylor

You know that hunky eye-candy Jacob?  It seems I’ve blown my chances with him.  Now don’t get me wrong, in my first playthrough, I want to remain loyal to Kaidan, my first love from Mass Effect 1.  (There’d better be a big reward for me doing this, because gosh darn it is it sad to be heading off to most likely die and only have a picture to keep you company…and also, Kaidan was really mean on Horizon, so I’m hoping he’ll make up for that in ME3)  However, is there anything wrong with a little innocent flirting?  I was hoping to keep the lines of flirting open without being too forward, but I don’t think Mass Effect 2 allows you to do that.  Or maybe Mass Effect figures, if you’re in, you’re all in.

So anyways, point being, I didn’t ask Jacob if he had anyone waiting for him to come back home *wink wink nudge nudge*.  And now?  Now when we talk, he says he’s good, and that when we get out of this mess we’ll have drinks together on the Citadel.

And he give me a chest bump.

Friend Zone

I'm stuck in the Friend Zone

Not the jumping, crazy kind of chest bump, but the let’s-clap-hands-and-semi-hug-in-a-purely-platonic-way.  Yup, with that kind of hand clapping, half-hugging, we are definitely Just Friends.

I still have to finish my first playthrough and already I’m tempted to start another one.

-Kat

Dragon Age: Origins – St. Patrick’s Day Party Shots

March 16, 2010 Leave a comment

March 16th marks two of my favorites holidays: 1.) The release of the new Dragon Age:Origins – Awakening 2.) St. Patrick’s Day is right around the corner.  To commemorate this occasion we at Polish the Console have devised a series of shots for each party member in Dragon Age: Origins.

Dragon Age Origins Party Member MorriganMorrigan: Angry, Bitter, Dark

1/2 Black Velvet

1/2 Jagermeister

Morrigan is an angry bitch of a woman who doesn’t care who you are or what you do. Stay out of her way and don’t get involved. If you absolutely have to be ready for an experience that can only be best summed up with: alone, sore, and full of shame.

Dragon Age: Origins Party Member - AlistairAlistair: sweet, easy going down, but not easy to get with

3/4 shot Bacardi Rum

1 splash of Baileys Irish Cream

Little Bit O’ Honey

Alistair is a big softy. He’s not hard, but he does pack a bit of a bite. He’s easy on the eyes, and from what I’m told, on the taste buds

Dragon Age: Origins Party Member LelianaLeliana: Lame, tells long stories that go nowhere, relatively pointless

1/2 shot O’Douls

1/2 shot Sweet Vermouth

In some circles this is also known as the “Aspergers”. While Leliana can (from time to time) be somewhat interesting to have around, there is really little to no point to her presence. It’s essentially like doing a shot just for the bitter, boring, and uninspired flavor.

Dragon Age: Origins Part Member StenSten: Sour, Angry, and Hard Hitting

1/2 shot Jack Daniels

1/2 shot Bacardi 151

1/2 shot Apple Pucker

Yes that’s 1.5 shots. Sten is a big boy, get a small glass. Sten isn’t pleasant to have around. He is a large bitter giant who steals various confectionery treats from fat children. Once he starts swinging back up or get knocked down and knocked down hard.

Dragon Age Origins Party Member ZevranZevran: smells bad, he’s nasty, and he likes to sneak up from behind

Grape Jello Shots mixed with 1800

There is nothing that sneaks up on you quite like Jello shots. He may play all coy and innocent with a strange leather boot fetish but turn your back on him and he’s all over you. This goes for in the tent and outside of it. He’s an assassin. It’s what he does.

There are few things like an 1800 Jello shot that can do you in for the night once it hits you.

Dog: Panty Droppers. That’s what dogs are best at. ‘Nuff said.

Dragon Age Origins Party Member OghrenOghren: Short, dangerous, bitter, and angry

Killian’s Irish Red

Sour Mix

Shot of Whiskey

He’s a small fireball of bitter rage. Deep down he’s not so bad but my god can he do some damage when he wants to. You could see yourself having either a great time or a broken rib when you hang with Oghren.  You also may find yourself having a slew of barely coherent insults thrown your way.

Dragon Age: Origins Optional Party Member – Shale

Dragon Age Origins Optional Party Member Shale You’ve gotten every other party member, why not go for 100%. It’s time to get shale. Lets face it, after gathering and taking everything listed above you may be hurting a little. It’s time to fall over and take a big face full of sidewalk. Lets face it, that’s pretty much what shale is. One big walkin’ talkin’ sidewalk covered in semi precious gems.

Everyone have a happy St. Patrick’s Day. I challenge you to gather your own party and have yourself a little adventure to fight an archdemon of your own.

BTW, we here love new drink recipes. If you think you have a better one please let us know with the comment section.

God of War III: Aphrodite Sex Mini Game

March 9, 2010 Leave a comment

You have to love the God of War series. The unabashed way they depict sex is simply sublime. In God of War III you get to have the chance for Kratos to test himself against the Goddess of Love and Sexuality herself. That’s right Aphrodite is the God of War III Sex Mini Game.

If you’re going to go for the biggest game in the series, you have to have the biggest name in Greek Sex represented.

Click the image for the NSFW Video:

God of War III Aphrodite Sex Mini Game

To check out the God of War III Aphroidite Sex Mini Game Head over to GameTrailers

Playstation Home Improvements: Take a lesson from Final Fantasy XIII

March 9, 2010 Leave a comment
Final Fantasy Chocobo

"Wark!"

WARNING: Marketing Idea Below. Hey at least I warned you.

With the release of Final Fantasy XIII people who are interested can pick up the PS3 version and apply to take part in the upcoming beta of Final Fantasy XIV – an MMORPG set in the wondrous world of chocobos and mages. While not everyone will get accepted into the beta, those that apply will receive a free in-game item for Final Fantasy XIV.

Since they have yet to announce if the game will be available for the XBox 360 all of the 360 owners currently receive are some avatar items. This creates a bit of a disparity between XBox 360 and PS3 owners. That’s fine by me, I mean 360 owners have been getting great things while PS3 owners are left to sit back and wait to buy their 360s.

But what’s important is that PS3 owners are doing something to get something. Playstation needs to take a lesson from this and use it to help themselves out. As of yet (at least to my knowledge) Playstation Home is relatively useless. You can play a game or two but nothing has yet to keep me coming back for more. The single most interesting thing they did in my eyes was Xi. They have all of these game specific spaces and all they really have to offer is “Hang out and chit chat!” Sorry Sony, not my thing.

However, imagine if while hanging out in Playstation home you were tasked to find things, or solve puzzles, or…well…anything engaging. When you solved the puzzle, found all the items, or whatever the task may be then you were eligible to receive an in-game item, map, tenting video, or some form of compensation to make us WANT to spend time in Home.

Now Sony, you and I both understand marketing and product placement. Imagine having a space that users flock to in order to receive special items and upgrades that are otherwise unavailable. Why I do believe you have some available ad space.

Just think of it. Someone comes in after searching for all 50 Golden Chocobo Statues to unlock that special sword to kill 50 wolves and get that special “You Killed 50 Wolves with the Sword of Home” Trophy and in the background they see a logo/image/video for a new game/movie/book/shoe/whatever. It’s like going onto a blog and finding a commercial for Final Fantasy XIII at the bottom of the post:

Dragon Age: Origins – The Ass Stamp Achievement

March 6, 2010 1 comment

While playing our individual Dragon Age: Origins game files, Wadoobie and I stumbled across an interesting flaw within this BioWare masterpiece.  Arl Eamon apparently hates sex, and has banished it forever from his many castles and estates.  Yes, you heard me correctly, Arl Eamon has issued a “No Sex” rule in his household.

Arl Eamon

Arl Eamon hates sex

Not like you can really blame the poor guy.  His wife Isolde has got to be the most annoying character ever created.  I can’t imagine him wanting to have sex with her.  We have speculated that Arl Eamon actually went into a coma just to get away from that awful woman.  Either that, or I think Jowan was actually hired by Arl Eamon to poison his wife, and since we all know Jowan is a ridiculous incompetent mage, he screwed up and poisoned Eamon instead.  I mean, what’s up with Isolde?  She manages to ‘escape’ from the castle, tells Bann Teagan that he must come to the castle alone (hmm, already very suspicious), she’s very vague and refuses to answer any questions, even if they may aid you.  In my game, I flat out told her I didn’t trust her.  She was incredibly put off by that.

And by the way, did anyone else get the feeling that Bann Teagan wanted to murder her?  When you’re trying to come up with a plan to rescue Connor (or kill him), she says, “I could be the sacrifice,” – and Bann Teagan leaps to his feet, clapping and shouting “YES!”

…but I digress.

Dragon Age is a game where the main character is permitted to explore relationships that might develop along such an epic journey, and when two people are constant traveling companions, it’s only fitting that they might share a tent.  The fact that you are unable to continue these intimate encounters once you are camped in Arl Eamon’s estate in Denerim or Redcliffe is…frustrating, to say the least.  It really doesn’t make sense.  There are clearly plenty of rooms to choose from in the Arl’s massive estates, so why can’t you and your lover sneak off for a little pervtastic action?

I can see maybe the female companions being a little less enthusiastic about doing it in the Arl’s home, but come on, Alistair would be drooling if my character whispered in his ear a little naughty suggestion.  In fact, he’d probably get it on right in front of the Arl.  I don’t think I can describe it any better than how our first discussion went about the Ass Stamp Achievement –

Kat:  Surely (especially me, being female) you could convince your interest to sneak into another wing of the house and do it

Wadoobie:  nope

Wadoobie:  not even an option

Kat:  All I’d have to do is flash Alistair right?

Kat:  He’d follow me like a puppy then

Wadoobie:  technically yes

Wadoobie:  if this was reality

Wadoobie:  in fact if you flashed him then doing it on the erl’s desk would probably happen

Wadoobie:  with the erl still sitting at it

Kat:  The earl goes back into a coma

Wadoobie:  either that or puts a stamp on it to make it an official document

Wadoobie:  and for the rest of the game alistair has the early seal stamped to his ass cheek

Kat:  He would only do that for the regular sex though

Kat:  For gay sex he would return to a coma

Kat:  For girl on girl sex he gets even more healthy

Wadoobie:  starts applauding in the background

Wadoobie:  brings his son in

Wadoobie:  makes him watch

Kat:  He implements a ‘sex required’ rule

PtCStamp

The iconic 'Ass Stamp of Approval', brought to you by PtC

This discussion, of course, then morphed into a conversation about more tenting achievements.  And this was how the Ass Stamp Achievement was born.  To be honest, the Ass Stamp Achievement was basically the whole reason for our wonderful pervy blog, PolishTheConsole.  Our icon is based around the Ass Stamp.

And of course, I had to take a snapshot of my version of the Ass Stamp Achievement in action (and that’s Avaline, not Leliana!!).  At least, the closest thing to it I could get.

Don’t you think BioWare should consult us about pervy tenting action in their next game?

-Kat

Ass Stamp Achievement

Gotta love the fact that they still act like they're around a campfire. Makes this shot even more naughty.