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Dragon Age: Origins – Awakening Fear

April 13, 2010 3 comments

Well, well, well.  First of all, I have to say a huge thank you to my sister’s fiance right now.  He let me borrow Dragon Age: Origins – Awakening, because he knows I love DA:O so much.  In fact, he would tease me about how much time I spent playing it.  Look, I’m just a very slow RPG gamer.  I like to explore, enjoy, and of course, most importantly, tent.  These things take time.  Anywhos, so I have the Xbox 360 version of Dragon Age, and when you’re friends with someone, it shows what you’re playing, so he always knew when I was Dragon Age-ing.  (Dragon Aging?)

So Saturday I took home Dragon Age: Origins – Awakening.  It’s brand new.  Unopened, even.  I stared at it, in its clean, unopened case, for several minutes.  I hesitated.

Yes, while I thank BioWare greatly for making the best RPGs known to man (and woman!), I still hesitated.  Some strange fear was growing in my mind, a dark shadow of doubt.

While I was ecstatic to see Alistair again, I was also a little afraid.  I remembered Wadoobie’s post about no tenting in Awakening, which upset me because I knew that meant I would be seeing much of Alistair this time around.  I also heard that he would be a little…distant.

I don’t know if I can handle that.

Alistair

Alistair looks...distant

What if…what if Alistair doesn’t love me anymore?  What if he has had continued fantasies of Morrigan from the Dark Ritual night, and is now wishing he hadn’t decided to (agreed to, rather) marry me?

Plus, how will my royal subjects respond to me leaving on a quest?  I mean, I’m the Queen now.  And, granted, I was the hero of Fereldan when I battled and killed the Archdemon, but still, won’t people be rather upset when I go off questing again?

You know how Pirates of the Caribbean wrapped the first movie up nicely, and everything was happy and good?  Well then you watch the second and the third movies, and you’re like, ‘WTF just happened?’  They basically ruined a good ending.  It kind of shatters the happy image you had of Will and Elizabeth.

I’m just hoping my happy ending (*ahem* no pun intended) between Alistair and Avaline isn’t destroyed.

-Kat

Mass Effect 2: Space Hamster

March 31, 2010 1 comment

I know, I know.  I’m fixated on Mass Effect 2.  Well, this tends to happen to me.  I start in on a good RPG, and I’m just stuck there until I finish.  In other words, you will essentially know what I’m playing at all times based on my posts (mainly).

I also have a side note / confession to make to everyone.  This is truly, truly horrible.  Prepare yourselves, folks –

I still haven’t bought Dragon Age: Origins – Awakening.

Okay, now that the gasps of horror are pretty much over, I know you’re all thinking to yourselves – and this girl says she’s in love with BioWare?!  How dare she do them the dishonor! It’s true.  I feel awful.  I really want to get DA:O-A (whew, what a mouthful).  I just haven’t yet due to my distraction with ME2.

Mass Effect 2: The Fish Tank

They will be dead next time you check on them. Seriously. They suck.

Speaking of which, has anyone noticed the presence of a rather odd, Richard Gere-inspired item in the game?  I think it’s cute that you can buy fish for your fishtank (but dammit, do they die quickly…) but the Space Hamster really intrigues me.

Has anyone determined if it does anything more than peek out of its hidey-hole and then dart back in timidly?  While adorable, it doesn’t really serve a purpose rather than being somewhat amusing.

Richard Gere

See where his hand is going...? He's got a gerbil...

UNLESS…unless this is really a…creepy indication that our Commander Shepard is rather lonely.  Lonely and willing to try a Richard Gere maneuver with a hamster.  It’s rather gross to dwell on, even by Polish the Console standards.

If you’re wondering, the kiosk description of the space hamster is really what gave me this idea.  See the incriminating image below.

By the way, you may also note in the picture below that the cost to purchase said space hamster is 7,666 credits.  That’s a mighty hefty price for something that just plays coy and peeks out at you occasionally.  This seems like it could qualify as a ‘companion of the night’ price, if you get what I’m saying.  *wink, wink, nudge, nudge*

Anyone else get this weird vibe from the space hamster?  And dammit, how do you keep those fish alive?  (besides treating Kelly Chambers kinda like the space hamster and getting her to do it)

-Kat

Space Hamster

The Space Hamster, aka Secret Love Companion (kinda like Kelly Chambers)

Mass Effect 2: The Friend Zone

March 20, 2010 1 comment
The Friend Zone

It's almost too painful to look at

We all know those dreaded words.  We’ve all heard them, and probably even experienced them at some point in our lives.  The dreaded Friend Zone.  This is when a relationship that we’re hoping to take to the next level and turn into romance encounters an obstacle and becomes permanently stuck in the Friend Zone.  This obstacle is insurmountable, and the relationship will never be anything beyond friends.  In other words, the Friend Zone sucks.

What does this have to do with video games?  Well, we’ve been saying how amazing games are getting; how more and more realistic they are becoming.  I think Mass Effect 2 takes that level of realism a bit too far.  Seriously.  In my game, I have been relegated to the Friend Zone.  There seems to be no chance of me getting around this.

Jacob Taylor

Mass Effect 2's Jacob Taylor

You know that hunky eye-candy Jacob?  It seems I’ve blown my chances with him.  Now don’t get me wrong, in my first playthrough, I want to remain loyal to Kaidan, my first love from Mass Effect 1.  (There’d better be a big reward for me doing this, because gosh darn it is it sad to be heading off to most likely die and only have a picture to keep you company…and also, Kaidan was really mean on Horizon, so I’m hoping he’ll make up for that in ME3)  However, is there anything wrong with a little innocent flirting?  I was hoping to keep the lines of flirting open without being too forward, but I don’t think Mass Effect 2 allows you to do that.  Or maybe Mass Effect figures, if you’re in, you’re all in.

So anyways, point being, I didn’t ask Jacob if he had anyone waiting for him to come back home *wink wink nudge nudge*.  And now?  Now when we talk, he says he’s good, and that when we get out of this mess we’ll have drinks together on the Citadel.

And he give me a chest bump.

Friend Zone

I'm stuck in the Friend Zone

Not the jumping, crazy kind of chest bump, but the let’s-clap-hands-and-semi-hug-in-a-purely-platonic-way.  Yup, with that kind of hand clapping, half-hugging, we are definitely Just Friends.

I still have to finish my first playthrough and already I’m tempted to start another one.

-Kat

Dragon Age: Origins – St. Patrick’s Day Party Shots

March 16, 2010 Leave a comment

March 16th marks two of my favorites holidays: 1.) The release of the new Dragon Age:Origins – Awakening 2.) St. Patrick’s Day is right around the corner.  To commemorate this occasion we at Polish the Console have devised a series of shots for each party member in Dragon Age: Origins.

Dragon Age Origins Party Member MorriganMorrigan: Angry, Bitter, Dark

1/2 Black Velvet

1/2 Jagermeister

Morrigan is an angry bitch of a woman who doesn’t care who you are or what you do. Stay out of her way and don’t get involved. If you absolutely have to be ready for an experience that can only be best summed up with: alone, sore, and full of shame.

Dragon Age: Origins Party Member - AlistairAlistair: sweet, easy going down, but not easy to get with

3/4 shot Bacardi Rum

1 splash of Baileys Irish Cream

Little Bit O’ Honey

Alistair is a big softy. He’s not hard, but he does pack a bit of a bite. He’s easy on the eyes, and from what I’m told, on the taste buds

Dragon Age: Origins Party Member LelianaLeliana: Lame, tells long stories that go nowhere, relatively pointless

1/2 shot O’Douls

1/2 shot Sweet Vermouth

In some circles this is also known as the “Aspergers”. While Leliana can (from time to time) be somewhat interesting to have around, there is really little to no point to her presence. It’s essentially like doing a shot just for the bitter, boring, and uninspired flavor.

Dragon Age: Origins Part Member StenSten: Sour, Angry, and Hard Hitting

1/2 shot Jack Daniels

1/2 shot Bacardi 151

1/2 shot Apple Pucker

Yes that’s 1.5 shots. Sten is a big boy, get a small glass. Sten isn’t pleasant to have around. He is a large bitter giant who steals various confectionery treats from fat children. Once he starts swinging back up or get knocked down and knocked down hard.

Dragon Age Origins Party Member ZevranZevran: smells bad, he’s nasty, and he likes to sneak up from behind

Grape Jello Shots mixed with 1800

There is nothing that sneaks up on you quite like Jello shots. He may play all coy and innocent with a strange leather boot fetish but turn your back on him and he’s all over you. This goes for in the tent and outside of it. He’s an assassin. It’s what he does.

There are few things like an 1800 Jello shot that can do you in for the night once it hits you.

Dog: Panty Droppers. That’s what dogs are best at. ‘Nuff said.

Dragon Age Origins Party Member OghrenOghren: Short, dangerous, bitter, and angry

Killian’s Irish Red

Sour Mix

Shot of Whiskey

He’s a small fireball of bitter rage. Deep down he’s not so bad but my god can he do some damage when he wants to. You could see yourself having either a great time or a broken rib when you hang with Oghren.  You also may find yourself having a slew of barely coherent insults thrown your way.

Dragon Age: Origins Optional Party Member – Shale

Dragon Age Origins Optional Party Member Shale You’ve gotten every other party member, why not go for 100%. It’s time to get shale. Lets face it, after gathering and taking everything listed above you may be hurting a little. It’s time to fall over and take a big face full of sidewalk. Lets face it, that’s pretty much what shale is. One big walkin’ talkin’ sidewalk covered in semi precious gems.

Everyone have a happy St. Patrick’s Day. I challenge you to gather your own party and have yourself a little adventure to fight an archdemon of your own.

BTW, we here love new drink recipes. If you think you have a better one please let us know with the comment section.

Dragon Age: Origins – The Ass Stamp Achievement

March 6, 2010 1 comment

While playing our individual Dragon Age: Origins game files, Wadoobie and I stumbled across an interesting flaw within this BioWare masterpiece.  Arl Eamon apparently hates sex, and has banished it forever from his many castles and estates.  Yes, you heard me correctly, Arl Eamon has issued a “No Sex” rule in his household.

Arl Eamon

Arl Eamon hates sex

Not like you can really blame the poor guy.  His wife Isolde has got to be the most annoying character ever created.  I can’t imagine him wanting to have sex with her.  We have speculated that Arl Eamon actually went into a coma just to get away from that awful woman.  Either that, or I think Jowan was actually hired by Arl Eamon to poison his wife, and since we all know Jowan is a ridiculous incompetent mage, he screwed up and poisoned Eamon instead.  I mean, what’s up with Isolde?  She manages to ‘escape’ from the castle, tells Bann Teagan that he must come to the castle alone (hmm, already very suspicious), she’s very vague and refuses to answer any questions, even if they may aid you.  In my game, I flat out told her I didn’t trust her.  She was incredibly put off by that.

And by the way, did anyone else get the feeling that Bann Teagan wanted to murder her?  When you’re trying to come up with a plan to rescue Connor (or kill him), she says, “I could be the sacrifice,” – and Bann Teagan leaps to his feet, clapping and shouting “YES!”

…but I digress.

Dragon Age is a game where the main character is permitted to explore relationships that might develop along such an epic journey, and when two people are constant traveling companions, it’s only fitting that they might share a tent.  The fact that you are unable to continue these intimate encounters once you are camped in Arl Eamon’s estate in Denerim or Redcliffe is…frustrating, to say the least.  It really doesn’t make sense.  There are clearly plenty of rooms to choose from in the Arl’s massive estates, so why can’t you and your lover sneak off for a little pervtastic action?

I can see maybe the female companions being a little less enthusiastic about doing it in the Arl’s home, but come on, Alistair would be drooling if my character whispered in his ear a little naughty suggestion.  In fact, he’d probably get it on right in front of the Arl.  I don’t think I can describe it any better than how our first discussion went about the Ass Stamp Achievement –

Kat:  Surely (especially me, being female) you could convince your interest to sneak into another wing of the house and do it

Wadoobie:  nope

Wadoobie:  not even an option

Kat:  All I’d have to do is flash Alistair right?

Kat:  He’d follow me like a puppy then

Wadoobie:  technically yes

Wadoobie:  if this was reality

Wadoobie:  in fact if you flashed him then doing it on the erl’s desk would probably happen

Wadoobie:  with the erl still sitting at it

Kat:  The earl goes back into a coma

Wadoobie:  either that or puts a stamp on it to make it an official document

Wadoobie:  and for the rest of the game alistair has the early seal stamped to his ass cheek

Kat:  He would only do that for the regular sex though

Kat:  For gay sex he would return to a coma

Kat:  For girl on girl sex he gets even more healthy

Wadoobie:  starts applauding in the background

Wadoobie:  brings his son in

Wadoobie:  makes him watch

Kat:  He implements a ‘sex required’ rule

PtCStamp

The iconic 'Ass Stamp of Approval', brought to you by PtC

This discussion, of course, then morphed into a conversation about more tenting achievements.  And this was how the Ass Stamp Achievement was born.  To be honest, the Ass Stamp Achievement was basically the whole reason for our wonderful pervy blog, PolishTheConsole.  Our icon is based around the Ass Stamp.

And of course, I had to take a snapshot of my version of the Ass Stamp Achievement in action (and that’s Avaline, not Leliana!!).  At least, the closest thing to it I could get.

Don’t you think BioWare should consult us about pervy tenting action in their next game?

-Kat

Ass Stamp Achievement

Gotta love the fact that they still act like they're around a campfire. Makes this shot even more naughty.

Dragon Age: Origins – Alistair Has a Secret Crush on Morrigan

March 2, 2010 10 comments

We all know by now that one of our favorite games is, without a doubt, Dragon Age: Origins.  Amazingly complex, deep characters abound in this RPG, making it a thoroughly engrossing and enjoyable journey for players.  And these deep characters might be even more complex than we first thought.  Let me just throw this out there –

Alistair has a secret crush on Morrigan.

Alistair & Morrigan

Steamy stolen glances between Alistair & Morrigan

Okay, so this one is pretty obvious – but might be hotly debated.  And honestly, I’m in the same boat.  I would be the first to say Alistair is completely in love with my character – and my character only.  Morrigan is further from his mind than north is to south.  But I’m here to play devil’s advocate.  So as much as I want to deny it, based on my full-on love for Alistair, but I can’t help seeing how this could be true.

Let’s start with the more general evidence.  Alistair and Morrigan are constantly bickering, with Morrigan heavily teasing Alistair.  This sort of behavior is akin to the playground mentality of hitting the girl you actually like.  (…except it’s Morrigan doing the beating on Alistair)  This bickering is what we call sexual tension.  You can practically create lightning from the electricity flowing between them.

In fact, I’m half convinced that’s how Morrigan has any powers at all.

Secondly, the dark ritual.  UGH.  I think all the female gamers shudder at the mere utterance of that phrase.  So, would any guy who truly had saved himself for his first time to be with someone he really loved agree to this?  Um, no.  “Raised in the Chantry”, he says…it ‘goes against his morals’ to tent without him knowing it’s true love.  Trying to get him in the sack with you is time-consuming.  You practically have to beg this guy to do it with you.  You have to gently work him up to the idea.  And yet, it takes all of one minute to convince him to sleep with Morrigan.  Granted, this act saves your life and his, but still.  Recall that he supposedly ‘loathes’ this woman.  Yet you basically just have to ask him please and he’s prancing into the room with Morrigan, kicking you out and locking the door.  Yes, he argues a little to save face and make himself look good, but he practically drooling at the thought.

The fact that the dark ritual is NEVER discussed afterwards between your character and Alistair is also incredibly suspicious.  I’ve touched on this before (in my letter to BioWare, I got a little sidetracking with horrible memories of the dark ritual event), but I need to say it again.  Wouldn’t Alistair say something to reassure you that being with Morrigan was awful, he hated it, he never wants to see her again, etc., etc.?  But no, there’s none of that.  Never even mentioned in passing.  Which brings me to my next point.

Any real female is going to ask about it.  There’s no way she wouldn’t – unless she already knows the truth.  The female playable character actually already knows the truth, which is that Alistair has a crush on Morrigan.  She doesn’t ask because she can’t bear to hear Alistair say that he loved every minute of being with Morrigan.  She’d rather go on without that acknowledgment.  Like the army says – Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.  Your character also hints at realizing the truth in the conversation with Alistair to ‘convince’ him to sleep with Morrigan.  One of the options for you to respond is to say “Your wildest dreams have come true: sex with Morrigan”.  Why would this even be an option unless there was some slight truth in this?!

Sad Alistair

Alistair's probably wishing you were Morrigan

And finally, at the very end of the game, Alistair asks about Morrigan leaving.  When he’s speaking, you can hear a touch of longing in his voice.  He’s sad to see her go, and this is a reflection of his sorrow.  “Oh, Morrigan and I just had sex…and I might love her…and she just ran off with my baby…do you think I’ll – I mean we – will ever see her again?”

Honestly, I hate thinking of this as a possibility.  I want Alistair to be 100% devoted to my character.  I think I’ll just try to forget that I ever wrote this…

By the way – BioWare, I never heard back about the life sized, anatomically correct, preferrably talking statue of Alistair, or the DVD of new Alistair scenes.  Do I need to send you my address first?  Thanks.  Still kisses to all of you BioWare-ians.

-Kat

Girl Gamers vs. Gamers

March 1, 2010 Leave a comment

Recently Kat and I were talking about how she was a girl gamer. I take a different view than most. Kat is a gamer through and through. There is no “girl” about it. She’s a head shot scoring FPS player who knows how to drift a supped up hot rod through a turn using an XBox360 controller and one hand. She can level up with the best of ’em and take down a horde without breaking a sweat.

Now I have another friend (lets call him Sam) who hasn’t touched a game since the 1990’s. Sam is the kind of guy who watched South Park and Googled Hello Kitty’s Island Adventure because it sounded like fun. He downloaded Second Life because apparently real life wasn’t entertaining enough. He doesn’t look for a challenge. He doesn’t look to better his skills. He just wants something he can breeze through and giggle about. Sam is a “girl gamer”.

Now why are we using “girl” as a negative? Well really I’m not. I’m using it to reference the children who would rather have a tea party than build a tree fort. The children who would rather dress up a cat than play a game of back yard football. It’s not an insult its just a description of someone who looks for activities that while may be personally enriching are less than challenging.

But what are some solid “girl” games? What are some gamer games? Well…allow me to answer that for you.

Girl Racing Game vs. Racing Game

Barbie Horse Adventure Hands down, clear winner. There is no possible way that any game can be less of a challenge. It’s Barbie who’s only challenge to date has been finding any pleasure with a guy with plastic hair and no junk. Horse riding is tricky. I have failed every time I have tried. Horses just don’t like me and they make it known. But seriously, all you do here is just ride around. But hey, at least the horses have different personalities…right?

Gran Turismo LogoIs there anything you can’t do in Gran Turismo? You can find your dream car and proceed to modify, optimize, and fine tune everything from the body, the engine, the paint, the tires, and pretty much everything down to the front panel display. Anyone who has ever played a Gran Turismo game can attest that winning later in the game is no easy task. From the license tests, to the actual races this game offers a multitude of ways for a gamer to lose.

Girly MMORPG vs MMORPG

zOMG! Gaia MMORPGNow admittedly I was a member of Gaia. I partook of the GD and made my obscene jokes and belittled other people.  I also tried playing the MMORPG they offered. Let me just say that I am not saying that zOMG! is easy. It does require leveling, grinding, and fighting strange anime inspired enemies in colorful cartoon like worlds. What really makes this stand out as “super girly” is the fact that its a game based around a website. A website that encourages the users to sit around, chit chat, and go shopping. So when you’re not fighting cartoons, you can play dress up!

*burble!

There are a multitude of MMORPGs out there that are tough, cruel, and worth playing. I’m not going to go in depth into finding the right one. I will however mention World of Warcraft. WoW has been around for years constantly creating new content for its players asking them to take their time and use it to level up their characters. Anyone who thinks it isn’t hard has never been through what this guy has been through:

My heart goes out to you…man? Snorlax? yeah….

Girl FPS vs FPS

No One Lives Forever video gameIt’s hard to pick a first person shooter that embodies “girly”. Kat and I went back and forth for a while and she eventually remembered a game she played way back when…

“Kat” (8:54:35 AM): No One Lives Forever
“Kat” (8:54:45 AM): That’s girly
“Wadoobie” (8:54:56 AM): never heard of it
“Kat” (8:55:04 AM): because it’s girly, that’s why!
“Wadoobie” (8:55:49 AM): how is it girly
“Wadoobie” (8:55:50 AM): ?
“Wadoobie” (8:55:59 AM): it won a few Game of the Year awards
“Kat” (8:56:01 AM): Well
“Kat” (8:56:17 AM): It’s a female lead character.  There are really humorous dialog exchanges
“Kat” (8:56:19 AM): No blood
“Kat” (8:56:26 AM): You can use hilarious guns
“Kat” (8:56:32 AM): or…banana peels
“Kat” (8:56:36 AM): to foil enemies
“Wadoobie” (8:56:38 AM): …..that wins
“Wadoobie” (8:56:41 AM): hands down
“Kat” (8:56:43 AM): Laughing gas
“Wadoobie” (8:56:44 AM): banana peels?
“Kat” (8:56:47 AM): oh yes
“Kat” (8:59:28 AM): There’s a robotic bomb disguised as an adorable kitten
“Kat” (8:59:30 AM): COME ON
“Kat” (8:59:32 AM): Girly

The Kitten Bomb sold me. I was willing to give it the benefit of the doubt until the Kitten Bomb. But what is the counterpart for other gamers? Seriously…pick one. There are so many to choose from. Pick it, Battlefield? Modern Warfare? BioShock? So many to choose from that I’m pretty sure the market can be considered saturated, ya think?

Girly Third Person Action vs. Third Person Action

Ape EscapeApe Escape. I loved Ape Escape but the entire game was designed around the concept of: “Cheeky little monkeys escape. They all wear goofy helmets with flashing lights on them. They run amok. Spike has to catch them all in a net. He can bitch slap them with a lightsaber/billy club thing. Now I love monkeys and their hijinks but when it comes to having to catch them, sorry, not interested.

I will say that some of the mini-games were pretty fun. They had monkey boxing. I mean who doesn’t love the very idea of two monkey pugilists sparring off against one another. Just try to stop thinking of the music from Rocky when you start playing.

The flip side of the coin is God of War. Think about the manliest things you can think of:

  • God of War 2Knives: check
  • Chains: check
  • Fire: check
  • Flaming knives attached to body with chains: Bonus Check
  • Sex: Check
  • Blood: Check
  • Ripping off of heads/faces/arms/legs/generally any appendage: check

I know it doesn’t have the in depth game play of catching stray primates and smacking them with a billy club  but…well….it works.

Ape Escape – Monkey. Net. Goofy Helmet.

God of War – Flaming Knives, Chains, Blood, Ripping faces off, Sex Mini Games. Nuff said.