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Dragon Age: Origins – Awakening: Anders the A**hole

April 20, 2010 2 comments

Thanks to one of our readers, I took the leap.  I did it.  I started Dragon Age: Origins – Awakening.  Remember how scared I was to start, thinking based off Wadoobie’s experience, Alistair would be distant and unfeeling towards me?  Well, he wasn’t.  All I have to say is, it made me want to run right back to court to get with him.  Thanks, Asperity!

Awakening has me remembering everything I loved about Origins.  Although I’m a little disappointed with the lack of being able to interact with party members when you walk up to them.  That bothers me.  A lot.  So now I have to run around looking for statues and casks and portraits to click on?

Anders

Anders, you're NOT Alistair. Stop trying.

Speaking of those characters, what is up with Anders?   I suppose he was meant to be sort of an Alistair replacement, with the similar-colored hair, the accent, the somewhat sarcastic attitude.  Even his name, Anders, is similar to Alistair.  But let me just point out one thing clearly.  ANDERS. IS. NOT. ALISTAIR.

First of all, what is up with Anders’ womanizing-type attitude?  He seems to want to get with anything female that moves – or even females that don’t; case in point: the Andraste statue – yet I haven’t seen him make a move.  Nor have I heard about any of his fabulous womanizing adventures like I did with Zevran.  But again, it’s not like I’ve been able to talk to Anders much.

And furthering that point, WTF?!  Am I, the hero of Fereldan, the slayer of the Archdemon, a human noble Leliana look-alike, QUEEN, not good enough for him?  While he has commented on every other female likeness or body around, he hasn’t said anything at all to me.

Avaline Take 2

Avaline still isn't Leliana. And I still think she's hotter.

Granted, Alistair did make it clear while Anders was nearby that we were together.  He kissed me goodbye.  I think that might have thrown Anders off a bit.

But still!  He could have said something before he knew all that!  But noooooo, nothing.  I guess BioWare is just making it clear that they’re not having any tenting this round.  …and that makes us at Polish the Console very, very sad.

Secondly, yes, the kitten (Ser Pounce-A-Lot) is adorable.  I love cats!  But isn’t it kinda weird that Anders’ only company while locked up in the Circle Tower was a cat?!  And the way he talks to the cat while you’re adventuring…is, to quote Alistair, “a little creepy, that”.

And…*shudder* the gold earring.  Anders, sorry, but you’re not a pirate.  Get that earring out.  That’s disturbing.  Only pirates should wear a single gold hoop, a low ponytail, and fur.  Except…wait, I forgot that Duncan has a very similar appearance.  Eh, Duncan gets a pass because he’s so badass.  And he’s not wearing fur.

Finally, if freaking Jowan can escape the Circle Tower, Anders should be able to.  If he’s worth his mana, that is.  Come on.  For shame, Anders, for shame.

I get the feeling that Anders is really all talk and no game.  Particularly when he has a super hot babe who stopped the Archdemon running around and fighting with him.  Therefore, Anders appears to be an a**hole.

Ah, well, I suppose it’s better than being introduced as a major character, only to die in the first hour of gameplay.  *ahem, ahem* Mhairi *ahem*

-Kat

Dragon Age: Origins – St. Patrick’s Day Party Shots

March 16, 2010 Leave a comment

March 16th marks two of my favorites holidays: 1.) The release of the new Dragon Age:Origins – Awakening 2.) St. Patrick’s Day is right around the corner.  To commemorate this occasion we at Polish the Console have devised a series of shots for each party member in Dragon Age: Origins.

Dragon Age Origins Party Member MorriganMorrigan: Angry, Bitter, Dark

1/2 Black Velvet

1/2 Jagermeister

Morrigan is an angry bitch of a woman who doesn’t care who you are or what you do. Stay out of her way and don’t get involved. If you absolutely have to be ready for an experience that can only be best summed up with: alone, sore, and full of shame.

Dragon Age: Origins Party Member - AlistairAlistair: sweet, easy going down, but not easy to get with

3/4 shot Bacardi Rum

1 splash of Baileys Irish Cream

Little Bit O’ Honey

Alistair is a big softy. He’s not hard, but he does pack a bit of a bite. He’s easy on the eyes, and from what I’m told, on the taste buds

Dragon Age: Origins Party Member LelianaLeliana: Lame, tells long stories that go nowhere, relatively pointless

1/2 shot O’Douls

1/2 shot Sweet Vermouth

In some circles this is also known as the “Aspergers”. While Leliana can (from time to time) be somewhat interesting to have around, there is really little to no point to her presence. It’s essentially like doing a shot just for the bitter, boring, and uninspired flavor.

Dragon Age: Origins Part Member StenSten: Sour, Angry, and Hard Hitting

1/2 shot Jack Daniels

1/2 shot Bacardi 151

1/2 shot Apple Pucker

Yes that’s 1.5 shots. Sten is a big boy, get a small glass. Sten isn’t pleasant to have around. He is a large bitter giant who steals various confectionery treats from fat children. Once he starts swinging back up or get knocked down and knocked down hard.

Dragon Age Origins Party Member ZevranZevran: smells bad, he’s nasty, and he likes to sneak up from behind

Grape Jello Shots mixed with 1800

There is nothing that sneaks up on you quite like Jello shots. He may play all coy and innocent with a strange leather boot fetish but turn your back on him and he’s all over you. This goes for in the tent and outside of it. He’s an assassin. It’s what he does.

There are few things like an 1800 Jello shot that can do you in for the night once it hits you.

Dog: Panty Droppers. That’s what dogs are best at. ‘Nuff said.

Dragon Age Origins Party Member OghrenOghren: Short, dangerous, bitter, and angry

Killian’s Irish Red

Sour Mix

Shot of Whiskey

He’s a small fireball of bitter rage. Deep down he’s not so bad but my god can he do some damage when he wants to. You could see yourself having either a great time or a broken rib when you hang with Oghren.  You also may find yourself having a slew of barely coherent insults thrown your way.

Dragon Age: Origins Optional Party Member – Shale

Dragon Age Origins Optional Party Member Shale You’ve gotten every other party member, why not go for 100%. It’s time to get shale. Lets face it, after gathering and taking everything listed above you may be hurting a little. It’s time to fall over and take a big face full of sidewalk. Lets face it, that’s pretty much what shale is. One big walkin’ talkin’ sidewalk covered in semi precious gems.

Everyone have a happy St. Patrick’s Day. I challenge you to gather your own party and have yourself a little adventure to fight an archdemon of your own.

BTW, we here love new drink recipes. If you think you have a better one please let us know with the comment section.

Dragon Age: Origins – The Ass Stamp Achievement

March 6, 2010 1 comment

While playing our individual Dragon Age: Origins game files, Wadoobie and I stumbled across an interesting flaw within this BioWare masterpiece.  Arl Eamon apparently hates sex, and has banished it forever from his many castles and estates.  Yes, you heard me correctly, Arl Eamon has issued a “No Sex” rule in his household.

Arl Eamon

Arl Eamon hates sex

Not like you can really blame the poor guy.  His wife Isolde has got to be the most annoying character ever created.  I can’t imagine him wanting to have sex with her.  We have speculated that Arl Eamon actually went into a coma just to get away from that awful woman.  Either that, or I think Jowan was actually hired by Arl Eamon to poison his wife, and since we all know Jowan is a ridiculous incompetent mage, he screwed up and poisoned Eamon instead.  I mean, what’s up with Isolde?  She manages to ‘escape’ from the castle, tells Bann Teagan that he must come to the castle alone (hmm, already very suspicious), she’s very vague and refuses to answer any questions, even if they may aid you.  In my game, I flat out told her I didn’t trust her.  She was incredibly put off by that.

And by the way, did anyone else get the feeling that Bann Teagan wanted to murder her?  When you’re trying to come up with a plan to rescue Connor (or kill him), she says, “I could be the sacrifice,” – and Bann Teagan leaps to his feet, clapping and shouting “YES!”

…but I digress.

Dragon Age is a game where the main character is permitted to explore relationships that might develop along such an epic journey, and when two people are constant traveling companions, it’s only fitting that they might share a tent.  The fact that you are unable to continue these intimate encounters once you are camped in Arl Eamon’s estate in Denerim or Redcliffe is…frustrating, to say the least.  It really doesn’t make sense.  There are clearly plenty of rooms to choose from in the Arl’s massive estates, so why can’t you and your lover sneak off for a little pervtastic action?

I can see maybe the female companions being a little less enthusiastic about doing it in the Arl’s home, but come on, Alistair would be drooling if my character whispered in his ear a little naughty suggestion.  In fact, he’d probably get it on right in front of the Arl.  I don’t think I can describe it any better than how our first discussion went about the Ass Stamp Achievement –

Kat:  Surely (especially me, being female) you could convince your interest to sneak into another wing of the house and do it

Wadoobie:  nope

Wadoobie:  not even an option

Kat:  All I’d have to do is flash Alistair right?

Kat:  He’d follow me like a puppy then

Wadoobie:  technically yes

Wadoobie:  if this was reality

Wadoobie:  in fact if you flashed him then doing it on the erl’s desk would probably happen

Wadoobie:  with the erl still sitting at it

Kat:  The earl goes back into a coma

Wadoobie:  either that or puts a stamp on it to make it an official document

Wadoobie:  and for the rest of the game alistair has the early seal stamped to his ass cheek

Kat:  He would only do that for the regular sex though

Kat:  For gay sex he would return to a coma

Kat:  For girl on girl sex he gets even more healthy

Wadoobie:  starts applauding in the background

Wadoobie:  brings his son in

Wadoobie:  makes him watch

Kat:  He implements a ‘sex required’ rule

PtCStamp

The iconic 'Ass Stamp of Approval', brought to you by PtC

This discussion, of course, then morphed into a conversation about more tenting achievements.  And this was how the Ass Stamp Achievement was born.  To be honest, the Ass Stamp Achievement was basically the whole reason for our wonderful pervy blog, PolishTheConsole.  Our icon is based around the Ass Stamp.

And of course, I had to take a snapshot of my version of the Ass Stamp Achievement in action (and that’s Avaline, not Leliana!!).  At least, the closest thing to it I could get.

Don’t you think BioWare should consult us about pervy tenting action in their next game?

-Kat

Ass Stamp Achievement

Gotta love the fact that they still act like they're around a campfire. Makes this shot even more naughty.

Dragon Age: Origins – Alistair Has a Secret Crush on Morrigan

March 2, 2010 10 comments

We all know by now that one of our favorite games is, without a doubt, Dragon Age: Origins.  Amazingly complex, deep characters abound in this RPG, making it a thoroughly engrossing and enjoyable journey for players.  And these deep characters might be even more complex than we first thought.  Let me just throw this out there –

Alistair has a secret crush on Morrigan.

Alistair & Morrigan

Steamy stolen glances between Alistair & Morrigan

Okay, so this one is pretty obvious – but might be hotly debated.  And honestly, I’m in the same boat.  I would be the first to say Alistair is completely in love with my character – and my character only.  Morrigan is further from his mind than north is to south.  But I’m here to play devil’s advocate.  So as much as I want to deny it, based on my full-on love for Alistair, but I can’t help seeing how this could be true.

Let’s start with the more general evidence.  Alistair and Morrigan are constantly bickering, with Morrigan heavily teasing Alistair.  This sort of behavior is akin to the playground mentality of hitting the girl you actually like.  (…except it’s Morrigan doing the beating on Alistair)  This bickering is what we call sexual tension.  You can practically create lightning from the electricity flowing between them.

In fact, I’m half convinced that’s how Morrigan has any powers at all.

Secondly, the dark ritual.  UGH.  I think all the female gamers shudder at the mere utterance of that phrase.  So, would any guy who truly had saved himself for his first time to be with someone he really loved agree to this?  Um, no.  “Raised in the Chantry”, he says…it ‘goes against his morals’ to tent without him knowing it’s true love.  Trying to get him in the sack with you is time-consuming.  You practically have to beg this guy to do it with you.  You have to gently work him up to the idea.  And yet, it takes all of one minute to convince him to sleep with Morrigan.  Granted, this act saves your life and his, but still.  Recall that he supposedly ‘loathes’ this woman.  Yet you basically just have to ask him please and he’s prancing into the room with Morrigan, kicking you out and locking the door.  Yes, he argues a little to save face and make himself look good, but he practically drooling at the thought.

The fact that the dark ritual is NEVER discussed afterwards between your character and Alistair is also incredibly suspicious.  I’ve touched on this before (in my letter to BioWare, I got a little sidetracking with horrible memories of the dark ritual event), but I need to say it again.  Wouldn’t Alistair say something to reassure you that being with Morrigan was awful, he hated it, he never wants to see her again, etc., etc.?  But no, there’s none of that.  Never even mentioned in passing.  Which brings me to my next point.

Any real female is going to ask about it.  There’s no way she wouldn’t – unless she already knows the truth.  The female playable character actually already knows the truth, which is that Alistair has a crush on Morrigan.  She doesn’t ask because she can’t bear to hear Alistair say that he loved every minute of being with Morrigan.  She’d rather go on without that acknowledgment.  Like the army says – Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.  Your character also hints at realizing the truth in the conversation with Alistair to ‘convince’ him to sleep with Morrigan.  One of the options for you to respond is to say “Your wildest dreams have come true: sex with Morrigan”.  Why would this even be an option unless there was some slight truth in this?!

Sad Alistair

Alistair's probably wishing you were Morrigan

And finally, at the very end of the game, Alistair asks about Morrigan leaving.  When he’s speaking, you can hear a touch of longing in his voice.  He’s sad to see her go, and this is a reflection of his sorrow.  “Oh, Morrigan and I just had sex…and I might love her…and she just ran off with my baby…do you think I’ll – I mean we – will ever see her again?”

Honestly, I hate thinking of this as a possibility.  I want Alistair to be 100% devoted to my character.  I think I’ll just try to forget that I ever wrote this…

By the way – BioWare, I never heard back about the life sized, anatomically correct, preferrably talking statue of Alistair, or the DVD of new Alistair scenes.  Do I need to send you my address first?  Thanks.  Still kisses to all of you BioWare-ians.

-Kat

Dragon Age: Origins – Awakening: Another New Party Member I Can’t Tent

March 1, 2010 Leave a comment

Dragon Age: Origins Awakening New Character MhairiDear BioWare:

Listen, its cool if you want to release an expansion pack where my characters can’t tent one another. Really, it’s alright. But I ask you: what’s up with filling this video game with female characters? The majority of gamers are male and that percentage gets even higher when you select gamers that play RPGs. I’m not saying I have anything against female characters, but when I’m coming fresh off the phenomenal tent-straviganza that was Dragon Age: Origins I feel a little…well….slighted.

Mhairi is (relatively) attractive, can take down an Ogre, loyal, and been fighting for a month without a joining. What’s not to want to tent? When you compare Mhairi to Morrigan she’s a wonderful delight. Morrigan was, lets just say, abrasive. I mean sure with the armor on nobody seems as cuddly, under the soft moonlight in a camp setting? Lets just say Sandal won’t be the only one doing some enchanting.

Here is Mhairi’s grand introduction:

Mistaken Identity, Part 2: Ugly Cousins

February 24, 2010 Leave a comment

Prompted by the Squall’s Dead post, Wadoobie and I were discussing some of the characters and finer points in Final Fantasy VIII.  Being that Dragon Age: Origins is one of our favorite games, we started comparing some of the features – let’s face it, we were talking about FF8’s lack of perving – and we stumbled upon an odd similarity involving two characters.

Make that multiple odd similarities.

Including being annoying, having face tattoos, being short, having blonde hair, orphans, names that start with ‘Z-E’…

Zell from Final Fantasy VIII

Can't you see Zell's pointy ears?

In case you haven’t guessed yet, I’m talking about Zell from FF8 and Zevran from DA.

We’re about 90% sure these guys are related.  It’s kinda hard not to see the resemblance once you realize it.  Just visualize with us for a minute:

Both of these slightly annoying, less than wonderful characters were orphaned.  Zell was later adopted by dear Ma Dincht, while Zevran was plucked up by the Antivan Crows, a warm and fuzzy group of assassins.  Coincidence?  I think not.  They share features, such as the blonde hair and face tattoo – and their tattoos are on the same side of their face.  This also points to some sort of shared blood.  Even their names are similar, starting with the same two letters.

You may be thinking, ‘This is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard!  Zell is human while Zevran is an elf.  How can they be related?’

Zevran from Dragon Age: Origins

Zevran loves...hot dogs...

While that is a valid point, I would like to again highlight the fact that both characters are orphans.  Therefore, we don’t really know what lies in their past.  Perhaps Zevran and Zell are cousins, and their grandparents are humans, and one rebellious daughter decided to get freaky with an elf.  Or, perhaps Zevran is Zell’s grandpa?  With all the love children Zevran most likely created, it’s certainly possible.  Maybe we just don’t know that Zell has a little bit o’ elf in him.

And the last bit of obvious evidence…?  How about the fact that they both like hot dogs?  One literally, and one a little more…figuratively?

Don’t groan.  You know you think it’s hilarious.

-Kat

Dragon Age: Origins – Awakening: No Romance, No Tenting?

February 18, 2010 9 comments

Well WTF BioWare? Listen, I totally share Kat’s sentiment towards you guys, but I also share the sentiment that I love perving out. on Dragon Age: Origins – Awakening’s website they have a rather handy FAQ:

1.7 – If I had a romance in Origins, does it carry over into Awakening?

Romances do not carry forward in Awakening, because you are away from your previous life fighting a new threat.

Now this is to be expected unless you wind up marrying and taking over the crown in the end. For male protagonists you’re primary romantic interest (Morrigan) is off with your child in the woods and there is no guarantee that Leliana will be with you at the moment.  Even if she is there is go guarantee your love interest will fit in, have the right skills, or be needed in the new campaign. But then I read further:

1.8 – Who can I romance in Dragon Age: Origins – Awakening?

There are no romances options available in Awakening. The story is focused more on the mission at hand and the new threat to Ferelden.

eric cartman - i do what i want

"I DO WHAT I WANT!"

Come on now. You mean to tell me my character isn’t going to go looking for strange when off in a new land? You apparently don’t know my character very well. Let me clue you in. She’s an angry bitter whore of a city elf who does what she wants. Sure the primary male main character I have is a fine upstanding fella, but the girl? She’s gonna find a way to tent. Mark my words.

What the FAQ does say that really makes me excited is that:

1.9 – Which Dragon Age: Origins NPC will be returning?

Besides Oghren who plays a large role in Awakening, there are cameos and returning characters…

For me, Oghren was phenomenal comedic fodder. We had some wonderful analogies and misunderstood references. I laughed for hours when I heard Ohgren use the term “Pike Twirler”. I actually looked at my fiance and asked if she wanted to “grease up the ol’ bronto”. She said no. I think it worried her a little.
(thanks to reddit for catching the above typo. you’re always there for me.)

When asked her opinion Kat (who may be BioWare’s biggest fan…she may even be stalking them) responded with:

Learning the fact that you can’t romance in DA:O-A…almost makes me feel like…eff that. Totally takes the wind out of the sails.

While we are still going to purchase and play the crap out of it because…well…that’s what we do, we will still feel like something is missing. Like the game is slightly incomplete. While it’s entirely possible that we wont even notice the lack of tenting I am still going to miss it.

To check out the FAQ you can find it on the Dragon Age: Origins – Awakening website.