Mass Effect 2: The Friend Zone

March 20, 2010 1 comment
The Friend Zone

It's almost too painful to look at

We all know those dreaded words.  We’ve all heard them, and probably even experienced them at some point in our lives.  The dreaded Friend Zone.  This is when a relationship that we’re hoping to take to the next level and turn into romance encounters an obstacle and becomes permanently stuck in the Friend Zone.  This obstacle is insurmountable, and the relationship will never be anything beyond friends.  In other words, the Friend Zone sucks.

What does this have to do with video games?  Well, we’ve been saying how amazing games are getting; how more and more realistic they are becoming.  I think Mass Effect 2 takes that level of realism a bit too far.  Seriously.  In my game, I have been relegated to the Friend Zone.  There seems to be no chance of me getting around this.

Jacob Taylor

Mass Effect 2's Jacob Taylor

You know that hunky eye-candy Jacob?  It seems I’ve blown my chances with him.  Now don’t get me wrong, in my first playthrough, I want to remain loyal to Kaidan, my first love from Mass Effect 1.  (There’d better be a big reward for me doing this, because gosh darn it is it sad to be heading off to most likely die and only have a picture to keep you company…and also, Kaidan was really mean on Horizon, so I’m hoping he’ll make up for that in ME3)  However, is there anything wrong with a little innocent flirting?  I was hoping to keep the lines of flirting open without being too forward, but I don’t think Mass Effect 2 allows you to do that.  Or maybe Mass Effect figures, if you’re in, you’re all in.

So anyways, point being, I didn’t ask Jacob if he had anyone waiting for him to come back home *wink wink nudge nudge*.  And now?  Now when we talk, he says he’s good, and that when we get out of this mess we’ll have drinks together on the Citadel.

And he give me a chest bump.

Friend Zone

I'm stuck in the Friend Zone

Not the jumping, crazy kind of chest bump, but the let’s-clap-hands-and-semi-hug-in-a-purely-platonic-way.  Yup, with that kind of hand clapping, half-hugging, we are definitely Just Friends.

I still have to finish my first playthrough and already I’m tempted to start another one.

-Kat

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Dragon Age: Origins – St. Patrick’s Day Party Shots

March 16, 2010 Leave a comment

March 16th marks two of my favorites holidays: 1.) The release of the new Dragon Age:Origins – Awakening 2.) St. Patrick’s Day is right around the corner.  To commemorate this occasion we at Polish the Console have devised a series of shots for each party member in Dragon Age: Origins.

Dragon Age Origins Party Member MorriganMorrigan: Angry, Bitter, Dark

1/2 Black Velvet

1/2 Jagermeister

Morrigan is an angry bitch of a woman who doesn’t care who you are or what you do. Stay out of her way and don’t get involved. If you absolutely have to be ready for an experience that can only be best summed up with: alone, sore, and full of shame.

Dragon Age: Origins Party Member - AlistairAlistair: sweet, easy going down, but not easy to get with

3/4 shot Bacardi Rum

1 splash of Baileys Irish Cream

Little Bit O’ Honey

Alistair is a big softy. He’s not hard, but he does pack a bit of a bite. He’s easy on the eyes, and from what I’m told, on the taste buds

Dragon Age: Origins Party Member LelianaLeliana: Lame, tells long stories that go nowhere, relatively pointless

1/2 shot O’Douls

1/2 shot Sweet Vermouth

In some circles this is also known as the “Aspergers”. While Leliana can (from time to time) be somewhat interesting to have around, there is really little to no point to her presence. It’s essentially like doing a shot just for the bitter, boring, and uninspired flavor.

Dragon Age: Origins Part Member StenSten: Sour, Angry, and Hard Hitting

1/2 shot Jack Daniels

1/2 shot Bacardi 151

1/2 shot Apple Pucker

Yes that’s 1.5 shots. Sten is a big boy, get a small glass. Sten isn’t pleasant to have around. He is a large bitter giant who steals various confectionery treats from fat children. Once he starts swinging back up or get knocked down and knocked down hard.

Dragon Age Origins Party Member ZevranZevran: smells bad, he’s nasty, and he likes to sneak up from behind

Grape Jello Shots mixed with 1800

There is nothing that sneaks up on you quite like Jello shots. He may play all coy and innocent with a strange leather boot fetish but turn your back on him and he’s all over you. This goes for in the tent and outside of it. He’s an assassin. It’s what he does.

There are few things like an 1800 Jello shot that can do you in for the night once it hits you.

Dog: Panty Droppers. That’s what dogs are best at. ‘Nuff said.

Dragon Age Origins Party Member OghrenOghren: Short, dangerous, bitter, and angry

Killian’s Irish Red

Sour Mix

Shot of Whiskey

He’s a small fireball of bitter rage. Deep down he’s not so bad but my god can he do some damage when he wants to. You could see yourself having either a great time or a broken rib when you hang with Oghren.  You also may find yourself having a slew of barely coherent insults thrown your way.

Dragon Age: Origins Optional Party Member – Shale

Dragon Age Origins Optional Party Member Shale You’ve gotten every other party member, why not go for 100%. It’s time to get shale. Lets face it, after gathering and taking everything listed above you may be hurting a little. It’s time to fall over and take a big face full of sidewalk. Lets face it, that’s pretty much what shale is. One big walkin’ talkin’ sidewalk covered in semi precious gems.

Everyone have a happy St. Patrick’s Day. I challenge you to gather your own party and have yourself a little adventure to fight an archdemon of your own.

BTW, we here love new drink recipes. If you think you have a better one please let us know with the comment section.

God of War III: Aphrodite Sex Mini Game

March 9, 2010 Leave a comment

You have to love the God of War series. The unabashed way they depict sex is simply sublime. In God of War III you get to have the chance for Kratos to test himself against the Goddess of Love and Sexuality herself. That’s right Aphrodite is the God of War III Sex Mini Game.

If you’re going to go for the biggest game in the series, you have to have the biggest name in Greek Sex represented.

Click the image for the NSFW Video:

God of War III Aphrodite Sex Mini Game

To check out the God of War III Aphroidite Sex Mini Game Head over to GameTrailers

Playstation Home Improvements: Take a lesson from Final Fantasy XIII

March 9, 2010 Leave a comment
Final Fantasy Chocobo

"Wark!"

WARNING: Marketing Idea Below. Hey at least I warned you.

With the release of Final Fantasy XIII people who are interested can pick up the PS3 version and apply to take part in the upcoming beta of Final Fantasy XIV – an MMORPG set in the wondrous world of chocobos and mages. While not everyone will get accepted into the beta, those that apply will receive a free in-game item for Final Fantasy XIV.

Since they have yet to announce if the game will be available for the XBox 360 all of the 360 owners currently receive are some avatar items. This creates a bit of a disparity between XBox 360 and PS3 owners. That’s fine by me, I mean 360 owners have been getting great things while PS3 owners are left to sit back and wait to buy their 360s.

But what’s important is that PS3 owners are doing something to get something. Playstation needs to take a lesson from this and use it to help themselves out. As of yet (at least to my knowledge) Playstation Home is relatively useless. You can play a game or two but nothing has yet to keep me coming back for more. The single most interesting thing they did in my eyes was Xi. They have all of these game specific spaces and all they really have to offer is “Hang out and chit chat!” Sorry Sony, not my thing.

However, imagine if while hanging out in Playstation home you were tasked to find things, or solve puzzles, or…well…anything engaging. When you solved the puzzle, found all the items, or whatever the task may be then you were eligible to receive an in-game item, map, tenting video, or some form of compensation to make us WANT to spend time in Home.

Now Sony, you and I both understand marketing and product placement. Imagine having a space that users flock to in order to receive special items and upgrades that are otherwise unavailable. Why I do believe you have some available ad space.

Just think of it. Someone comes in after searching for all 50 Golden Chocobo Statues to unlock that special sword to kill 50 wolves and get that special “You Killed 50 Wolves with the Sword of Home” Trophy and in the background they see a logo/image/video for a new game/movie/book/shoe/whatever. It’s like going onto a blog and finding a commercial for Final Fantasy XIII at the bottom of the post:

Dragon Age: Origins – The Ass Stamp Achievement

March 6, 2010 1 comment

While playing our individual Dragon Age: Origins game files, Wadoobie and I stumbled across an interesting flaw within this BioWare masterpiece.  Arl Eamon apparently hates sex, and has banished it forever from his many castles and estates.  Yes, you heard me correctly, Arl Eamon has issued a “No Sex” rule in his household.

Arl Eamon

Arl Eamon hates sex

Not like you can really blame the poor guy.  His wife Isolde has got to be the most annoying character ever created.  I can’t imagine him wanting to have sex with her.  We have speculated that Arl Eamon actually went into a coma just to get away from that awful woman.  Either that, or I think Jowan was actually hired by Arl Eamon to poison his wife, and since we all know Jowan is a ridiculous incompetent mage, he screwed up and poisoned Eamon instead.  I mean, what’s up with Isolde?  She manages to ‘escape’ from the castle, tells Bann Teagan that he must come to the castle alone (hmm, already very suspicious), she’s very vague and refuses to answer any questions, even if they may aid you.  In my game, I flat out told her I didn’t trust her.  She was incredibly put off by that.

And by the way, did anyone else get the feeling that Bann Teagan wanted to murder her?  When you’re trying to come up with a plan to rescue Connor (or kill him), she says, “I could be the sacrifice,” – and Bann Teagan leaps to his feet, clapping and shouting “YES!”

…but I digress.

Dragon Age is a game where the main character is permitted to explore relationships that might develop along such an epic journey, and when two people are constant traveling companions, it’s only fitting that they might share a tent.  The fact that you are unable to continue these intimate encounters once you are camped in Arl Eamon’s estate in Denerim or Redcliffe is…frustrating, to say the least.  It really doesn’t make sense.  There are clearly plenty of rooms to choose from in the Arl’s massive estates, so why can’t you and your lover sneak off for a little pervtastic action?

I can see maybe the female companions being a little less enthusiastic about doing it in the Arl’s home, but come on, Alistair would be drooling if my character whispered in his ear a little naughty suggestion.  In fact, he’d probably get it on right in front of the Arl.  I don’t think I can describe it any better than how our first discussion went about the Ass Stamp Achievement –

Kat:  Surely (especially me, being female) you could convince your interest to sneak into another wing of the house and do it

Wadoobie:  nope

Wadoobie:  not even an option

Kat:  All I’d have to do is flash Alistair right?

Kat:  He’d follow me like a puppy then

Wadoobie:  technically yes

Wadoobie:  if this was reality

Wadoobie:  in fact if you flashed him then doing it on the erl’s desk would probably happen

Wadoobie:  with the erl still sitting at it

Kat:  The earl goes back into a coma

Wadoobie:  either that or puts a stamp on it to make it an official document

Wadoobie:  and for the rest of the game alistair has the early seal stamped to his ass cheek

Kat:  He would only do that for the regular sex though

Kat:  For gay sex he would return to a coma

Kat:  For girl on girl sex he gets even more healthy

Wadoobie:  starts applauding in the background

Wadoobie:  brings his son in

Wadoobie:  makes him watch

Kat:  He implements a ‘sex required’ rule

PtCStamp

The iconic 'Ass Stamp of Approval', brought to you by PtC

This discussion, of course, then morphed into a conversation about more tenting achievements.  And this was how the Ass Stamp Achievement was born.  To be honest, the Ass Stamp Achievement was basically the whole reason for our wonderful pervy blog, PolishTheConsole.  Our icon is based around the Ass Stamp.

And of course, I had to take a snapshot of my version of the Ass Stamp Achievement in action (and that’s Avaline, not Leliana!!).  At least, the closest thing to it I could get.

Don’t you think BioWare should consult us about pervy tenting action in their next game?

-Kat

Ass Stamp Achievement

Gotta love the fact that they still act like they're around a campfire. Makes this shot even more naughty.

Dragon Age: Origins – Alistair Has a Secret Crush on Morrigan

March 2, 2010 10 comments

We all know by now that one of our favorite games is, without a doubt, Dragon Age: Origins.  Amazingly complex, deep characters abound in this RPG, making it a thoroughly engrossing and enjoyable journey for players.  And these deep characters might be even more complex than we first thought.  Let me just throw this out there –

Alistair has a secret crush on Morrigan.

Alistair & Morrigan

Steamy stolen glances between Alistair & Morrigan

Okay, so this one is pretty obvious – but might be hotly debated.  And honestly, I’m in the same boat.  I would be the first to say Alistair is completely in love with my character – and my character only.  Morrigan is further from his mind than north is to south.  But I’m here to play devil’s advocate.  So as much as I want to deny it, based on my full-on love for Alistair, but I can’t help seeing how this could be true.

Let’s start with the more general evidence.  Alistair and Morrigan are constantly bickering, with Morrigan heavily teasing Alistair.  This sort of behavior is akin to the playground mentality of hitting the girl you actually like.  (…except it’s Morrigan doing the beating on Alistair)  This bickering is what we call sexual tension.  You can practically create lightning from the electricity flowing between them.

In fact, I’m half convinced that’s how Morrigan has any powers at all.

Secondly, the dark ritual.  UGH.  I think all the female gamers shudder at the mere utterance of that phrase.  So, would any guy who truly had saved himself for his first time to be with someone he really loved agree to this?  Um, no.  “Raised in the Chantry”, he says…it ‘goes against his morals’ to tent without him knowing it’s true love.  Trying to get him in the sack with you is time-consuming.  You practically have to beg this guy to do it with you.  You have to gently work him up to the idea.  And yet, it takes all of one minute to convince him to sleep with Morrigan.  Granted, this act saves your life and his, but still.  Recall that he supposedly ‘loathes’ this woman.  Yet you basically just have to ask him please and he’s prancing into the room with Morrigan, kicking you out and locking the door.  Yes, he argues a little to save face and make himself look good, but he practically drooling at the thought.

The fact that the dark ritual is NEVER discussed afterwards between your character and Alistair is also incredibly suspicious.  I’ve touched on this before (in my letter to BioWare, I got a little sidetracking with horrible memories of the dark ritual event), but I need to say it again.  Wouldn’t Alistair say something to reassure you that being with Morrigan was awful, he hated it, he never wants to see her again, etc., etc.?  But no, there’s none of that.  Never even mentioned in passing.  Which brings me to my next point.

Any real female is going to ask about it.  There’s no way she wouldn’t – unless she already knows the truth.  The female playable character actually already knows the truth, which is that Alistair has a crush on Morrigan.  She doesn’t ask because she can’t bear to hear Alistair say that he loved every minute of being with Morrigan.  She’d rather go on without that acknowledgment.  Like the army says – Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.  Your character also hints at realizing the truth in the conversation with Alistair to ‘convince’ him to sleep with Morrigan.  One of the options for you to respond is to say “Your wildest dreams have come true: sex with Morrigan”.  Why would this even be an option unless there was some slight truth in this?!

Sad Alistair

Alistair's probably wishing you were Morrigan

And finally, at the very end of the game, Alistair asks about Morrigan leaving.  When he’s speaking, you can hear a touch of longing in his voice.  He’s sad to see her go, and this is a reflection of his sorrow.  “Oh, Morrigan and I just had sex…and I might love her…and she just ran off with my baby…do you think I’ll – I mean we – will ever see her again?”

Honestly, I hate thinking of this as a possibility.  I want Alistair to be 100% devoted to my character.  I think I’ll just try to forget that I ever wrote this…

By the way – BioWare, I never heard back about the life sized, anatomically correct, preferrably talking statue of Alistair, or the DVD of new Alistair scenes.  Do I need to send you my address first?  Thanks.  Still kisses to all of you BioWare-ians.

-Kat

Heavy Rain Review: Freezing Rain

March 2, 2010 Leave a comment

Heavy Rain PS3 Video Game ReviewAs my weekend drew to a close after the USA vs Canada hockey game it was finally time to start playing the full release of Heavy Rain. I had been anxiously awaiting this moment all weekend. It was finally time to play a game I had been waiting for since I saw the first released video.

Well as most of you know that wasn’t going to happen. Sunday night is when old model PS3’s shit the bed and mine was no exception. My glorious evening was cut short. I instead had to watch as giant inflatable beavers paraded across the closing ceremonies. Not really how I intended to spend my Sunday night, but who am I to complain about giant beavers.

Finally Monday night rolls around and it’s time. The Playstation Network is back up and running and so am I. An endearing and touching tutorial combined with beautiful graphics makes for a simply wonderful introduction to Heavy Rain. Even in opening credits look wonderful. I actually do not mind watching them. For a guy with ADHD that’s saying something.

Suddenly, Heavy Rain freezes. What? What the hell? Freezes? Okay, no biggie, maybe I got something on the disk. Turned the system off, pulled the disk out, checked it. Nope, spotless. Put it back in tried again. Interacting with Shaun, aww…touching father son moment. Okay, time to put the kid to bed. Why did everything stop moving? You gotta be kidding me. Heavy Rain freezes…again.

Okay this is getting ridiculous. Let’s try this again. Reload, luckily I didn’t lose too much of my game, only three or four minutes. Okay, put the son to bed. What happened…things are getting mysterious and now I’m hooked. What’s next?

Madison Page PS3 In Game Heavy RainOkay demo levels, I got this shiz down. Now that those are done we can…wait…loading screen stopped moving. W…T…F. This is three. I haven’t even been playing the Heavy Rain for an hour and it keeps freezing. Okay, one more try.

It’s been an hour and the game is kicking ass and taking names. I am 100% engrossed in the game and I can’t wait to see what happens next. Madison Page introduction. Okay she’s an insomniac, shower scene, level done, Heavy Rain freezes again. Okay that’s it I’ve had enough time for bed.

Heavy Rain: Review Summary

Heavy Rain is an absolute beauty of a game – if you can keep it working. The gameplay is a tremendous break from what I’m used to. It’s something different which may be the reason most reviewers are going ga-ga over it. However the story is actually compelling. It’s engaging, the characters are believable, and there is sincere substance to the game.

However the simple fact that it freezes so frequently will snap any gamer right back into reality. This is something that absolutely needs to be fixed. You may be asking yourself “Should I buy Heavy Rain?” If you aren’t one of the 500,000 people that already have it then don’t get it yet. Wait for a fix for the freezing to come out.

I have to give the game 4 out of 5. This is based solely on the fact that it keeps freezing.

Video Game Rating SealVideo Game Rating SealVideo Game Rating SealVideo Game Rating Seal

The rub of it all is that when the Heavy Rain freezing fix comes out it will probably be with a fix for seeing Madison Page in the nude. (thank you Kotaku)