Well, well, well. First of all, I have to say a huge thank you to my sister’s fiance right now. He let me borrow Dragon Age: Origins – Awakening, because he knows I love DA:O so much. In fact, he would tease me about how much time I spent playing it. Look, I’m just a very slow RPG gamer. I like to explore, enjoy, and of course, most importantly, tent. These things take time. Anywhos, so I have the Xbox 360 version of Dragon Age, and when you’re friends with someone, it shows what you’re playing, so he always knew when I was Dragon Age-ing. (Dragon Aging?)
So Saturday I took home Dragon Age: Origins – Awakening. It’s brand new. Unopened, even. I stared at it, in its clean, unopened case, for several minutes. I hesitated.
Yes, while I thank BioWare greatly for making the best RPGs known to man (and woman!), I still hesitated. Some strange fear was growing in my mind, a dark shadow of doubt.
While I was ecstatic to see Alistair again, I was also a little afraid. I remembered Wadoobie’s post about no tenting in Awakening, which upset me because I knew that meant I would be seeing much of Alistair this time around. I also heard that he would be a little…distant.
I don’t know if I can handle that.
What if…what if Alistair doesn’t love me anymore? What if he has had continued fantasies of Morrigan from the Dark Ritual night, and is now wishing he hadn’t decided to (agreed to, rather) marry me?
Plus, how will my royal subjects respond to me leaving on a quest? I mean, I’m the Queen now. And, granted, I was the hero of Fereldan when I battled and killed the Archdemon, but still, won’t people be rather upset when I go off questing again?
You know how Pirates of the Caribbean wrapped the first movie up nicely, and everything was happy and good? Well then you watch the second and the third movies, and you’re like, ‘WTF just happened?’ They basically ruined a good ending. It kind of shatters the happy image you had of Will and Elizabeth.
I’m just hoping my happy ending (*ahem* no pun intended) between Alistair and Avaline isn’t destroyed.
March 16th marks two of my favorites holidays: 1.) The release of the new Dragon Age:Origins – Awakening 2.) St. Patrick’s Day is right around the corner. To commemorate this occasion we at Polish the Console have devised a series of shots for each party member in Dragon Age: Origins.
Morrigan: Angry, Bitter, Dark
1/2 Black Velvet
Morrigan is an angry bitch of a woman who doesn’t care who you are or what you do. Stay out of her way and don’t get involved. If you absolutely have to be ready for an experience that can only be best summed up with: alone, sore, and full of shame.
Alistair: sweet, easy going down, but not easy to get with
3/4 shot Bacardi Rum
1 splash of Baileys Irish Cream
Little Bit O’ Honey
Alistair is a big softy. He’s not hard, but he does pack a bit of a bite. He’s easy on the eyes, and from what I’m told, on the taste buds
Leliana: Lame, tells long stories that go nowhere, relatively pointless
1/2 shot O’Douls
1/2 shot Sweet Vermouth
In some circles this is also known as the “Aspergers”. While Leliana can (from time to time) be somewhat interesting to have around, there is really little to no point to her presence. It’s essentially like doing a shot just for the bitter, boring, and uninspired flavor.
Sten: Sour, Angry, and Hard Hitting
1/2 shot Jack Daniels
1/2 shot Bacardi 151
1/2 shot Apple Pucker
Yes that’s 1.5 shots. Sten is a big boy, get a small glass. Sten isn’t pleasant to have around. He is a large bitter giant who steals various confectionery treats from fat children. Once he starts swinging back up or get knocked down and knocked down hard.
Zevran: smells bad, he’s nasty, and he likes to sneak up from behind
Grape Jello Shots mixed with 1800
There is nothing that sneaks up on you quite like Jello shots. He may play all coy and innocent with a strange leather boot fetish but turn your back on him and he’s all over you. This goes for in the tent and outside of it. He’s an assassin. It’s what he does.
There are few things like an 1800 Jello shot that can do you in for the night once it hits you.
Dog: Panty Droppers. That’s what dogs are best at. ‘Nuff said.
Oghren: Short, dangerous, bitter, and angry
Shot of Whiskey
He’s a small fireball of bitter rage. Deep down he’s not so bad but my god can he do some damage when he wants to. You could see yourself having either a great time or a broken rib when you hang with Oghren. You also may find yourself having a slew of barely coherent insults thrown your way.
Dragon Age: Origins Optional Party Member – Shale
You’ve gotten every other party member, why not go for 100%. It’s time to get shale. Lets face it, after gathering and taking everything listed above you may be hurting a little. It’s time to fall over and take a big face full of sidewalk. Lets face it, that’s pretty much what shale is. One big walkin’ talkin’ sidewalk covered in semi precious gems.
Everyone have a happy St. Patrick’s Day. I challenge you to gather your own party and have yourself a little adventure to fight an archdemon of your own.
BTW, we here love new drink recipes. If you think you have a better one please let us know with the comment section.
While playing our individual Dragon Age: Origins game files, Wadoobie and I stumbled across an interesting flaw within this BioWare masterpiece. Arl Eamon apparently hates sex, and has banished it forever from his many castles and estates. Yes, you heard me correctly, Arl Eamon has issued a “No Sex” rule in his household.
Not like you can really blame the poor guy. His wife Isolde has got to be the most annoying character ever created. I can’t imagine him wanting to have sex with her. We have speculated that Arl Eamon actually went into a coma just to get away from that awful woman. Either that, or I think Jowan was actually hired by Arl Eamon to poison his wife, and since we all know Jowan is a ridiculous incompetent mage, he screwed up and poisoned Eamon instead. I mean, what’s up with Isolde? She manages to ‘escape’ from the castle, tells Bann Teagan that he must come to the castle alone (hmm, already very suspicious), she’s very vague and refuses to answer any questions, even if they may aid you. In my game, I flat out told her I didn’t trust her. She was incredibly put off by that.
And by the way, did anyone else get the feeling that Bann Teagan wanted to murder her? When you’re trying to come up with a plan to rescue Connor (or kill him), she says, “I could be the sacrifice,” – and Bann Teagan leaps to his feet, clapping and shouting “YES!”
…but I digress.
Dragon Age is a game where the main character is permitted to explore relationships that might develop along such an epic journey, and when two people are constant traveling companions, it’s only fitting that they might share a tent. The fact that you are unable to continue these intimate encounters once you are camped in Arl Eamon’s estate in Denerim or Redcliffe is…frustrating, to say the least. It really doesn’t make sense. There are clearly plenty of rooms to choose from in the Arl’s massive estates, so why can’t you and your lover sneak off for a little pervtastic action?
I can see maybe the female companions being a little less enthusiastic about doing it in the Arl’s home, but come on, Alistair would be drooling if my character whispered in his ear a little naughty suggestion. In fact, he’d probably get it on right in front of the Arl. I don’t think I can describe it any better than how our first discussion went about the Ass Stamp Achievement –
Kat: Surely (especially me, being female) you could convince your interest to sneak into another wing of the house and do it
Wadoobie: not even an option
Kat: All I’d have to do is flash Alistair right?
Kat: He’d follow me like a puppy then
Wadoobie: technically yes
Wadoobie: if this was reality
Wadoobie: in fact if you flashed him then doing it on the erl’s desk would probably happen
Wadoobie: with the erl still sitting at it
Kat: The earl goes back into a coma
Wadoobie: either that or puts a stamp on it to make it an official document
Wadoobie: and for the rest of the game alistair has the early seal stamped to his ass cheek
Kat: He would only do that for the regular sex though
Kat: For gay sex he would return to a coma
Kat: For girl on girl sex he gets even more healthy
Wadoobie: starts applauding in the background
Wadoobie: brings his son in
Wadoobie: makes him watch
Kat: He implements a ‘sex required’ rule
This discussion, of course, then morphed into a conversation about more tenting achievements. And this was how the Ass Stamp Achievement was born. To be honest, the Ass Stamp Achievement was basically the whole reason for our wonderful pervy blog, PolishTheConsole. Our icon is based around the Ass Stamp.
And of course, I had to take a snapshot of my version of the Ass Stamp Achievement in action (and that’s Avaline, not Leliana!!). At least, the closest thing to it I could get.
Don’t you think BioWare should consult us about pervy tenting action in their next game?
We all know by now that one of our favorite games is, without a doubt, Dragon Age: Origins. Amazingly complex, deep characters abound in this RPG, making it a thoroughly engrossing and enjoyable journey for players. And these deep characters might be even more complex than we first thought. Let me just throw this out there –
Okay, so this one is pretty obvious – but might be hotly debated. And honestly, I’m in the same boat. I would be the first to say Alistair is completely in love with my character – and my character only. Morrigan is further from his mind than north is to south. But I’m here to play devil’s advocate. So as much as I want to deny it, based on my full-on love for Alistair, but I can’t help seeing how this could be true.
Let’s start with the more general evidence. Alistair and Morrigan are constantly bickering, with Morrigan heavily teasing Alistair. This sort of behavior is akin to the playground mentality of hitting the girl you actually like. (…except it’s Morrigan doing the beating on Alistair) This bickering is what we call sexual tension. You can practically create lightning from the electricity flowing between them.
In fact, I’m half convinced that’s how Morrigan has any powers at all.
Secondly, the dark ritual. UGH. I think all the female gamers shudder at the mere utterance of that phrase. So, would any guy who truly had saved himself for his first time to be with someone he really loved agree to this? Um, no. “Raised in the Chantry”, he says…it ‘goes against his morals’ to tent without him knowing it’s true love. Trying to get him in the sack with you is time-consuming. You practically have to beg this guy to do it with you. You have to gently work him up to the idea. And yet, it takes all of one minute to convince him to sleep with Morrigan. Granted, this act saves your life and his, but still. Recall that he supposedly ‘loathes’ this woman. Yet you basically just have to ask him please and he’s prancing into the room with Morrigan, kicking you out and locking the door. Yes, he argues a little to save face and make himself look good, but he practically drooling at the thought.
The fact that the dark ritual is NEVER discussed afterwards between your character and Alistair is also incredibly suspicious. I’ve touched on this before (in my letter to BioWare, I got a little sidetracking with horrible memories of the dark ritual event), but I need to say it again. Wouldn’t Alistair say something to reassure you that being with Morrigan was awful, he hated it, he never wants to see her again, etc., etc.? But no, there’s none of that. Never even mentioned in passing. Which brings me to my next point.
Any real female is going to ask about it. There’s no way she wouldn’t – unless she already knows the truth. The female playable character actually already knows the truth, which is that Alistair has a crush on Morrigan. She doesn’t ask because she can’t bear to hear Alistair say that he loved every minute of being with Morrigan. She’d rather go on without that acknowledgment. Like the army says – Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell. Your character also hints at realizing the truth in the conversation with Alistair to ‘convince’ him to sleep with Morrigan. One of the options for you to respond is to say “Your wildest dreams have come true: sex with Morrigan”. Why would this even be an option unless there was some slight truth in this?!
And finally, at the very end of the game, Alistair asks about Morrigan leaving. When he’s speaking, you can hear a touch of longing in his voice. He’s sad to see her go, and this is a reflection of his sorrow. “Oh, Morrigan and I just had sex…and I might love her…and she just ran off with my baby…do you think I’ll – I mean we – will ever see her again?”
Honestly, I hate thinking of this as a possibility. I want Alistair to be 100% devoted to my character. I think I’ll just try to forget that I ever wrote this…
By the way – BioWare, I never heard back about the life sized, anatomically correct, preferrably talking statue of Alistair, or the DVD of new Alistair scenes. Do I need to send you my address first? Thanks. Still kisses to all of you BioWare-ians.
Prompted by the Squall’s Dead post, Wadoobie and I were discussing some of the characters and finer points in Final Fantasy VIII. Being that Dragon Age: Origins is one of our favorite games, we started comparing some of the features – let’s face it, we were talking about FF8’s lack of perving – and we stumbled upon an odd similarity involving two characters.
Make that multiple odd similarities.
Including being annoying, having face tattoos, being short, having blonde hair, orphans, names that start with ‘Z-E’…
We’re about 90% sure these guys are related. It’s kinda hard not to see the resemblance once you realize it. Just visualize with us for a minute:
Both of these slightly annoying, less than wonderful characters were orphaned. Zell was later adopted by dear Ma Dincht, while Zevran was plucked up by the Antivan Crows, a warm and fuzzy group of assassins. Coincidence? I think not. They share features, such as the blonde hair and face tattoo – and their tattoos are on the same side of their face. This also points to some sort of shared blood. Even their names are similar, starting with the same two letters.
You may be thinking, ‘This is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard! Zell is human while Zevran is an elf. How can they be related?’
While that is a valid point, I would like to again highlight the fact that both characters are orphans. Therefore, we don’t really know what lies in their past. Perhaps Zevran and Zell are cousins, and their grandparents are humans, and one rebellious daughter decided to get freaky with an elf. Or, perhaps Zevran is Zell’s grandpa? With all the love children Zevran most likely created, it’s certainly possible. Maybe we just don’t know that Zell has a little bit o’ elf in him.
And the last bit of obvious evidence…? How about the fact that they both like hot dogs? One literally, and one a little more…figuratively?
Don’t groan. You know you think it’s hilarious.
I take pride – I mean, real, ‘goeth-before-a-fall’ pride – in creating characters that I’ll be playing as for the next 50+ hours . Because, let’s be honest, who doesn’t like looking at hot avatars? I try to make my characters sexy and attractive, so I’ll enjoy watching cut scenes with my character throughout the game.
It can be a lengthy process. Sometimes it takes me longer to create my character than it does to play through the intro. Yeah, I’m that obsessed.
I was pretty content with Avaline, my human noble rogue (”noble rogue”…is that an oxymoron?) character for Dragon Age: Origins. Check out a screencap of her below (by the way, I’m taking pictures of my TV with my cell phone, so the quality might not be the best).
Now, if you’ve played Dragon Age, you know there’s a character in this game named Leliana. You first meet Leliana in Lothering, if you go into the tavern Dane’s Refuge. Some of Loghain’s soldiers are there and want to fight you, and suddenly Leliana pops up and wants to help, and then wants to join.
Leliana, the human rogue.
Leliana, the red-haired woman.
Leliana, the red-haired woman who has almost the exact same hairstyle as my character.
Needless to say, when Leliana first appeared on the screen, my mouth dropped open at her almost identical appearance to Avaline.
So you can see how I might be upset. After spending so long on making my character, I find out I have a companion who is basically my twin.
…but if Leliana is my character’s twin, then Avaline is definitely the hotter one.
At least I think so. I might be biased. Compare the two pictures below – Avaline is on the left and Leliana is on the right. Now let’s take a vote. Who’s hotter?
I suppose one thing must really be addressed before we launch into our exploration of all things pervy and gaming: We. Love. BioWare.
I mean, literal love. I have told people that I would marry BioWare if I could. I think I would kiss everyone working there as a ‘thank you’ for being so dang awesome. In other words, BioWare is my hero.
BioWare should be raised on a pedestal and all game development companies should quake in fear of BioWare’s name. Or maybe kiss their feet. Or both. RPGs are a great genre for pervy gaming, and BioWare manages to raise the bar while staying classy.
Thus, in honor of the unquestionably best video game development company ever, I present… an obviously fawning fan letter! (Dragon Age: Origins spoilers abound…)
First of all, I love you. Please never stop making games, because each one is epic and amazing, and I get lost in the unique worlds.
Secondly, I really owe you many thanks. Not only for these said best games ever, but also for allowing the story to be so multidimensional; involving not only a protagonist and those he or she travels with, but also the relationships that develop through this journey. I love that you have encouraged mature relationships for players. And, occasionally, pervy ones.
And thank you, thank you, thank you for Alistair. I mean, what’s better than a cheeky and sarcastic British warrior who’s also heir to the throne?
If you happen to have any leftover life-sized, talking…and anatomically correct statues of Alistair, I’d be happy to take one off your hands. I’ll pay for shipping. I would also love an Alistair cutout, or even a poster. And just fyi, I’d pay for a movie of new Alistair cut scenes.
But now that we’re on that subject…um, dark ritual? When you’re a female, the only option is Alistair (or Loghain, but who gets rid of the adorable British guy for the one who stabbed you in the back from the very beginning?) doing it with Morrigan, and this ignites some fierce anger / jealousy for those female players. I was mortified by the cut scene (which includes a seductive Morrigan sauntering over to Alistair), and actually lost sleep over the thought of Morrigan sleeping with my man. This from the guy who wanted to wait to tent with me until he knew it was love because it was his first time? He actually AGREED to this?! And – I’m starting to get all fired up here – how come, on the eve of a battle that seems unlikely we will live through, Alistair doesn’t come back to spend the rest of the night with me? Does this damn dark ritual take all night? And why doesn’t he ever speak a word of it to me? You’d think he’d come over and assure me he’s still in love with me, that he hated having to be with Morrigan…etc, etc. No. None of that. Just, dark ritual (and I’m shuddering at the images burned into my mind of Morrigan and Alistair together) and then battle. No comforting hug from Alistair? Heck, I would even take an awkward ‘morning after’ conversation. At least then it’s acknowledged. No, just a ‘heartening’ speech from Alistair to the troops, with me in the background secretly seething with anger.
So that’s my first suggestion for that situation. Add something comforting for the female players. Just a simple, fumbling apology from Alistair would heal all wounds.
By the way, I also think – as disturbing as it sounds – I would sit outside the door and listen. Or perhaps burst into the room and tell them to stop enjoying it so much. Actually, on that note, why can’t I join in? It wouldn’t be so awful then. “Dark Ritual – the Threesome”.
Here’s my next suggestion: The dark ritual needs ‘Romance Tactics’, so I can direct the proceedings to where I approve of the situation. Similar to ‘Combat Tactics’, you can choose things to happen in various scenarios. Such as – If “Dark Ritual” = “Morrigan” > “Face away from Alistair” and “Face in the pillows”. If “Dark Ritual” = “Alistair” > “Look at main character” and “Think about main character”. If “Dark Ritual” = “Morrigan” > “No moaning”.
Tenting is one of the best things Dragon Age has to offer. Therefore, I think it’s important that tenting be allowed anytime, anywhere. Why can’t you get it on at Arl Eamon’s estate in Denerim? This doesn’t make sense. With so many rooms, you’d think there would be an area you could sneak off to. In the middle of a battle? Not a problem, just throw up a tent and go at it. I don’t think the ogre would mind. He might actually peek in and watch. Plus, your characters would get a strength and constitution bonus, and would instantly be back at full health. Tenting also needs to have unique cut scenes each time. This is a must. I mean, you walk up to them at camp after the initial encounter, ask them if they want to tent, and all you end up seeing is a kiss? No. I demand more tenting scenes. ‘Romance Tactics’ can also play a part here. Choosing different tactics would grant the player different scenes.
All in all, your games are amazing. No question. I would count Dragon Age and Mass Effect among my top favorite games. Actually, they are my favorites.
…are you hiring?
Love and kisses (yes, kisses for all),