While playing our individual Dragon Age: Origins game files, Wadoobie and I stumbled across an interesting flaw within this BioWare masterpiece. Arl Eamon apparently hates sex, and has banished it forever from his many castles and estates. Yes, you heard me correctly, Arl Eamon has issued a “No Sex” rule in his household.
Not like you can really blame the poor guy. His wife Isolde has got to be the most annoying character ever created. I can’t imagine him wanting to have sex with her. We have speculated that Arl Eamon actually went into a coma just to get away from that awful woman. Either that, or I think Jowan was actually hired by Arl Eamon to poison his wife, and since we all know Jowan is a ridiculous incompetent mage, he screwed up and poisoned Eamon instead. I mean, what’s up with Isolde? She manages to ‘escape’ from the castle, tells Bann Teagan that he must come to the castle alone (hmm, already very suspicious), she’s very vague and refuses to answer any questions, even if they may aid you. In my game, I flat out told her I didn’t trust her. She was incredibly put off by that.
And by the way, did anyone else get the feeling that Bann Teagan wanted to murder her? When you’re trying to come up with a plan to rescue Connor (or kill him), she says, “I could be the sacrifice,” – and Bann Teagan leaps to his feet, clapping and shouting “YES!”
…but I digress.
Dragon Age is a game where the main character is permitted to explore relationships that might develop along such an epic journey, and when two people are constant traveling companions, it’s only fitting that they might share a tent. The fact that you are unable to continue these intimate encounters once you are camped in Arl Eamon’s estate in Denerim or Redcliffe is…frustrating, to say the least. It really doesn’t make sense. There are clearly plenty of rooms to choose from in the Arl’s massive estates, so why can’t you and your lover sneak off for a little pervtastic action?
I can see maybe the female companions being a little less enthusiastic about doing it in the Arl’s home, but come on, Alistair would be drooling if my character whispered in his ear a little naughty suggestion. In fact, he’d probably get it on right in front of the Arl. I don’t think I can describe it any better than how our first discussion went about the Ass Stamp Achievement –
Kat: Surely (especially me, being female) you could convince your interest to sneak into another wing of the house and do it
Wadoobie: not even an option
Kat: All I’d have to do is flash Alistair right?
Kat: He’d follow me like a puppy then
Wadoobie: technically yes
Wadoobie: if this was reality
Wadoobie: in fact if you flashed him then doing it on the erl’s desk would probably happen
Wadoobie: with the erl still sitting at it
Kat: The earl goes back into a coma
Wadoobie: either that or puts a stamp on it to make it an official document
Wadoobie: and for the rest of the game alistair has the early seal stamped to his ass cheek
Kat: He would only do that for the regular sex though
Kat: For gay sex he would return to a coma
Kat: For girl on girl sex he gets even more healthy
Wadoobie: starts applauding in the background
Wadoobie: brings his son in
Wadoobie: makes him watch
Kat: He implements a ‘sex required’ rule
This discussion, of course, then morphed into a conversation about more tenting achievements. And this was how the Ass Stamp Achievement was born. To be honest, the Ass Stamp Achievement was basically the whole reason for our wonderful pervy blog, PolishTheConsole. Our icon is based around the Ass Stamp.
And of course, I had to take a snapshot of my version of the Ass Stamp Achievement in action (and that’s Avaline, not Leliana!!). At least, the closest thing to it I could get.
Don’t you think BioWare should consult us about pervy tenting action in their next game?